Gloom of self doubt

The gloom of self-doubt • Muttering of mystery.

It is worth remembering that every creative project is followed by the gloom of self-doubt. Yes, your student, yes, your PhD project. If you spring forth from the bed at 4am brimming with confidence. I wish you eternal damnation and all that. From my 1st considered a creative gesture, ( I painted black over my drawing because it was night age 3 maybe 4. This probably says a lot about me, I leave you to mull over that) it has never gotten easier, I am constantly wracked with the desire to be understood, my supervisor asked why this is important. I have no answers. Expect for this blog, I have no explanations. Perhaps I think it doesn’t matter, beyond the amusement of others. 

A key ingredient in my ability to crest work is my perception that is doesn’t matter. This is probably why I’m not a ‘Picasso’ more a Cezanne, I may be inclined to slash canvases, or put them in a drawer, never to see the light of day. In terms of architecture, I could never really sell you my best design ideas, they are in a drawer, I’m not sure I could sell them convincingly to a client anyway. ( sorry) It’s a disadvantage I’ve yet to overcome. I take criticism harshly, I’m a closet perfectionist, I agonise over why it’s not perfect. This is illogical, a realise, people do genuinely like the work I do, but the gloom of self-doubt is none the less there. No volume of praise is sufficient to satiate this anxiety. ( no idea how you spell that, perhaps and x? ) 

Genius or crazy person, you decide.  

I hope there are those of you out there who can relate. I salute you for getting out of bed this morning and doing some work anyway.